Disclaimer: All of these sketches are a work of fiction and are purely for entertainment.
Newsy Sketches Table of Contents
"Press Conference" (below)
News Program "Our Miserable Future" (underneath "Press Conference")
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PRESS CONFERENCE
EXT. SOME GOVERNMENT BUILDING
SIX REPORTERS crowd around a POLICE OFFICER, MAYOR, GOVERNOR, SENATOR, and POLICE CHIEF who are just starting their press conference.
POLICE OFFICER: We have an important update about the suspect who we all know has been arrested. (Pause). He’s been arrested. Ok, now I’m ready to take your questions.
REPORTER # 1: What time was he arrested?
POLICE OFFICER: During morning, afternoon, evening, or night.
REPORTER # 2: How did you identify him?
POLICE OFFICER: Ok, I’ll say it like it is. I don’t know.
REPORTER # 3: What’s his name, motive, and how certain are you this is the guy?
POLICE OFFICER: I don’t know.
REPORTER # 4: What’s the point of this press conference?
POLICE OFFICER: I don’t know.
MAYOR SHOVES aside the police officer.
MAYOR: Excuse me, I’ll take over!! The point is to update you on our progress. Let’s just re-cap what the Officer very clearly stated. As Twitter, Facebook, and all the news channels already reported over five hours ago, the suspect was arrested. It happened sometime during the day. We’re still working on the
rest of it. Now go write up your news stories.
The GOVERNOR SHOVES the Mayor aside.
GOVERNOR: Sorry to interrupt the mayor, but we have an update in the investigation!
The Journalists eagerly circle around, microphones at the ready.
GOVERNOR: We haven’t arrested anyone at all. What happened is that the police officer had a DREAM that the suspect was arrested, and told us he was arrested. But it turned out to be a dream. I repeat NO ONE’s been arrested.
REPORTER # 5: So no one’s been arrested?
GOVERNOR: Duh.
REPORTER #6: Whose fault is that?
GOVERNOR (nervously): Over to you, Teddy.
The Journalists GASP, the SENATOR shoves aside the governor.
SENATOR: That’s me. Senator Teddy. What’s the question again?
REPORTER #6: Whose fault is this that no one’s been arrested?
SENATOR: Umm, Officer could you answer this one for me?
Police Officer slowly takes the microphone, shows his middle finger to the Senator.
POLICE OFFICER: Mayor Johnston, you wanna take this one?
MAYOR: I’m not responsible for arresting people, I’m only responsible for talking.
POLICE OFFICER (angry): Well I don’t arrest people either, I just show up to the press
conferences! Umm, Chief Biggs you wanna respond?
A plump POLICE CHIEF SHOVES the Officer aside.
CHIEF: I’m gonna have my uncle answer this one. When he comes back from retirement. Which is never going to happen. Ok, next question?
REPORTER #1: Who should the public keep their eyes on?
CHIEF: It’s a toss up between the mayor, governor, senator, and me. We’re all equally important. At least in my opinion. I’m sure each of us thinks the world of ourselves. Am I right fellas?
The Mayor, Governor, and Senator nod enthusiastically.
CHIEF: We’ll have lunch with the president in the evening, y’all put that in your papers….Wait, WHO has LUNCH in the EVENING? I’m gonna call the president again about that one. Sounds like a set up.
REPORTER #2: I think the question was referring to the SUSPECT. How can the public identify him?
CHIEF: Senator Teddy, over to you.
SENATOR: Nah, I think this one’s for Mayor Johnston.
MAYOR: I think the officer is better equipped to answer this question,
Police Officer shows his middle finger to the mayor.
POLICE OFFICER: Chief?
CHIEF: That’s the right answer. (Pause) Please call 1-800 POLICE if you see the suspect. The suspect is either a man or a woman. Young or old. Tall or short. Fat or skinny. American or foreign born. I think this answers everyone’s questions, but any more questions?
Journalists furiously scribble this down.
REPORTER #3: I got a question. Where’s FBI Special Agent Frankforts, I thought he was heading this investigation?
CHIEF: Good question. No idea. Anyone see him?
Everyone shakes their heads.
CHIEF: You know I think this is kind of the concept behind the FBI. They’re everywhere but they’re nowhere, know what I’m saying?
Reporter # 4 SEPARATES HIMSELF FROM THE CROWD OF JOURNALISTS, and comes over to the Chief.
REPORTER# 4: Careful about that, we have long arms…...
CHIEF: Oh my God, Agent Frankforts. Sorry about that. I didn’t recognize you!
REPORTER # 4: That’s the whole point. And now you blew my cover.
CHIEF: I thought you were a reporter…..
REPORTER # 4: And I thought you were a police chief. (Pause) You don’t have an uncle who’s retired.
CHIEF (nervous): And how do you know that?
REPORTER #4: Because I am your uncle!
A disturbance breaks out in the crowd, as everyone tries to speak at the same time.
REPORTER #5: Wait, we’re confused…
CHIEF: It’s the end of this press conference. Go home!!!
REPORTER #4: Wait, I need to interrogate you!!
The Chief RUNS AWAY but is followed by Reporter #4, who is followed by the crowd of reporters.
NEWS PROGRAM "OUR MISERABLE FUTURE"
INT: STUDIO
The ANCHOR is sitting across from a middle-aged WOMAN, interviewing her.
ANCHOR: We’ve all heard it—poor economy, a failing country, and a ten percent national unemployment rate. Democrats blame the Republicans and the Republicans blame Democrats. The people blame both. But who is the real cause behind the all-time high national unemployment rate?
LORI: Hi! I’m Lori Kellegs, a Senior Human Resources Recruiter for one of the country’s biggest companies! Every year me and hundreds of other Human Resources recruiters gather together to review our hiring practices and make them even harder!
The Anchor raises his eyebrow.
ANCHOR: So imagine I email you my resume for one of the positions, what happens next?
LORI: I delete it.
ANCHOR: What if I send you a hard copy?
LORI: I delete it. Oh, sorry. I throw it in the trash.
ANCHOR: Then what?
LORI: I review the resumes I received for the position you applied for. I always have resumes for each position we post, even a year or more before we post it.
ANCHOR: Hold on. Stop. How does that work?
LORI: You have to know how to time-travel.
The tune from “Back to The Future” temporarily interrupts the interview. The anchor looks up to the sky. Lori ignores him. The music ends.
ANCHOR: Ok, so you already have a year’s worth of resumes for this position. What do you do with them?
LORI: I file them under one of three categories: “Never Ever Hire”—that’s for first-time applicants, “Get Lost”—that’s for second-time applicants, and “Time to Get a Restraining Order”—that’s for the third time applicants.
ANCHOR: What happens if I apply a fourth time?
LORI: We send out a contract killer. Ha-ha.
Lori LAUGHS. The Anchor glares at her severely.
LORI: Oh, sorry. Not funny.
ANCHOR: So what does it take to get an interview?
LORI: You have to, like, know someone who already works in the company. And then our employee
has to bring your photograph, so we can see if you’re normal. And then we stalk you for a month.
And only then do we invite you for an interview.
ANCHOR: So how does the interview work?
LORI: Ellie, our receptionist, is an ex-CIA agent. She can describe your behavior in the waiting room
down to the smallest detail—how many times you went to the bathroom, which chair you
chose to sit on, and whether you look like a terrorist or one of these people who kill their
boss after they fire them.
ANCHOR: And if you do?
LORI: We find ways to get rid of you. For example, Ellie throws a laxative into the coffee she offers you,
and then you’re unable to come out of the bathroom in time for the interview. Or come out at all.
ANCHOR: And if I turn down the coffee?
LORI: We turn on the fire alarm and get everyone to evacuate the building, including you.
ANCHOR: Wow, that’s harsh. What’s the meanest thing you ever did to a candidate?
LORI: We pretended to hire him, gave him lots of liquor to celebrate, and then stationed a cop
one block from our building. They got him on a drunk-driving charge. The court date was scheduled to correlate with his first day of work. Ha-ha.
ANCHOR: Wow. (pause) If they ever do the movie Mean Girls, for grown-ups----
LORI: Nah. I mean, we’re not THAT mean. As long as you have a relationship with someone in the company, have some kind of education, and are relatively sane, you DO have a shot.
ANCHOR: Really?
LORI: No.
ANCHOR: That will be it for today! Thanks for watching “Our Miserable Future” on the nation’s premier
finance channel, channel nine hundred seventy six! Please tune in tomorrow to see the latest news on the mass immigration of Wall Street to China!
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