-----------All sketches were written by A. L. Salt and are copyrighted © -------------
Disclaimer: All of these sketches are a work of fiction and are purely for entertainment.
Disclaimer: All of these sketches are a work of fiction and are purely for entertainment.
Commercials Sketches Table of Contents
"Freedom Rehab Center" Commerical (below)
"Chill Tie The College Guy" Commercial (underneath "Freedom Rehab")
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CUT TO: A FROZEN PICTURE OF A REHAB CENTER ON THE BEACH, SURROUNDED BY A SMILING GROUP OF PATIENTS AND REHAB WORKERS.
DIRECTOR (V.O.): Freedom Rehab Center, Take One!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Ever feel sad, down depressed miserable, hopeless, or emotionally unstable?
RANDOM PERSON (V. O.): No, but you’re making me feel this way now!
ANNOUNCER (V.O., talks very fast): A sunshine turned to rain, a morning turned into night, right turned to wrong, grass turned to mud, a flower trampled by a zoo, a paper cut up by scissors, an ipad soaked in water, a week old sandwich covered in mold, a----
RANDOM PERSON (V. O.): I GET IT, SHUT UP!!!!
ANNOUNCER: No, you shut up.
RANDOM PERSON (V.O.): Wait….did you just tell me to shut up?
DIRECTOR (V.O., GROANS loudly): Somebody get this moron out of here! And switch that damn picture! Freedom Rehab, take two!
THE PICTURE VANISHES, and is replaced by PATIENT #1, ROBERT, a depressed youth.
ROBERT: I used to be so unhappy, and then I went to Freedom Rehab….
FLASHBACK
Depressed patient #1 sitting with an even more depressed REHAB WORKER.
REHAB WORKER: So what’s bothering you?
ROBERT: Things are so depressing! I can’t take it anymore! I wanna bonk myself! What do you think?
REHAB WORKER : You know what? I think you should, actually.
ROBERT (surprised, change of demeanor): Really?
SWITCH TO: PATIENT # 2, KYLE, an alcoholic ex-office worker.
KYLE: Please!!! Just a little bit of alcohol!!!! One shot, and that’s it. No more orange juice!!!!!!
REHAB WORKER: Oh, what the heck…here you go…
The Rehab Worker takes out a BOTTLE OF VODKA and hands it to the patient.
SWITCH TO: PATIENT # 3, MITCH, a middle-aged sex-addict.
MITCH (neurotic): So I tell her, Rachel, I can’t stop making love to you! And she goes,please stop! And I go, I can’t! And Rachel goes—let me go, I need to go to the bathroom, we’ve been in bed in the same position for 72 hours, and I go….
Mitch glares at the rehab worker and suddenly stops.
MITCH: Are you ok, man?
Rehab worker is SWEATING HEAVILY, SNIFFING SOME UNKNOWN SUBSTANCE, and WIPING HIS FOREHEAD WITH A TISSUE.
REHAB WORKER: What was that?
SWITCH TO: PATIENT # 4, RACHEL, the attractive girlfriend of the previous patient.
RACHEL: I’m Rachel by the way….
REHAB WORKER: I heard so much about you! So what seems to be the problem?
RACHEL: So he tells me, don’t leave me! And I tell him, I can’t, I need to pee, and he says—if you leave me, my life is over, and I go—babe, I’m not breaking up with you, I just need a moment alone, and he goes—I don’t believe you….I mean, it’s horrible! I barely separated myself from him to get here…..What do I need to do????
REHAB WORKER: I think you need this…
He hands her MASKING TAPE, CHAINS, ROPE, and a copy of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY….
RACHEL: What is this?!!
REHAB WORKER: It’s called, bondage, try it out.
BACK TO THE FROZEN PICTURE OF A REHAB CENTER ON THE BEACH, SURROUNDED BY A SMILING GROUP OF PATIENTS AND REHAB WORKERS.
RANDOM PERSON (V.O.): I think the therapist need more help than the patients…
DIRECTOR (V.O.): SHUT UP! I thought I told you, to get lost!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) : Freedom rehab! Free-to-be-as-you-are! Warning: Even though our highly specialized specialists work for free, the services themselves are not free. In fact, they’re the opposite of free. Additional warning: Freedom rehab doesn’t guarantee you’ll be free from the slammer the next time around. Freedom Rehab does not have a personal relationship or connections with detention centers, correctional facilities, judges, cops, prosecutors, lawyers, wardens, or other representatives of the law. It is however, a place where you can meet celebrities year-round. Freedom rehab—try it out the next time the judge is looking the other way!
CUT TO: INT. COMPANY MEETING
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Been away so long, you forgot you’re the boss, or even the name of the company you’re working for? Yes, I’m talking to you CEOs. Need some notes for the next annual meeting of your company? No sweat, just contact Chill Tie, the College Guy!
EMPLOYEES sit in front of a big white screen, looking at their BOSS via Skype. Behind him, is the STANDARD OFFICE BACKGROUND.
BOSS : Aloha, I mean Hiyaaa from the company headquarters! How’s the weather here? Heard it was horrible! Ha! Hope so! You all deserve it after the last quarter! Anyway, great to see all of your scared faces!
A scrawny and very nervous college graduate, CHILL TIE THE COLLEGE GUY, quickly RUNS UP to the boss and WHISPERS something in his ear, HANDS HIM A PIECE OF PAPER, then quickly disappears.
BOSS (radically changing his demeanor) : Oh, sorry. That was two years ago. Last quarter, good job everyone! May the sun shine! And may that flooding in the men’s toilet stop! Ok. Here we go. Good morning everyone! Keep up the good work. And let me remind you of our company policy!
He glances down at the PAPER in his hands, and starts READING—COMMENTING after each one.
BOSS: #1 There’s no money without some honey. ---I don’t get it.
#2 If you want success, don’t forget to wax. ----Huh. Don’t get that one either.
#3 Never make a deal, without a good meal.---- I agree. Let’s see what else they have here.
#4 Read my mail---if you wanna go to jail. -----A wise warning.
#4 Blow your beau, he’s not your foe.
#5 Don’t take pot, before you’re in the parking lot.
HOLD ON! WHAAT??? WHO THE HECK WROTE THIS????
As the Boss angrily stands up, the OFFICE BACKGROUND behind him accidentally falls away, to reveal a group of BIKINI-CLAD GIRLS beside a POOL. The Boss’s face reddens even more.
BOSS: CHILL!!!
Chill hurries to put the OFFICE BACKGROUND PICTURE behind the boss once more, even though the illusion that the Boss is speaking from inside the office is now irreparably ruined. GASPS OF SHOCK come from the staff sitting in the auditorium.
CHILL: That’s what you need to do… I mean, Yes sir!!!!
BOSS: WHO DID THIS?
CHILL: I did. I was having some coke, ooops, I mean the soda not the drug, and you stood up so quickly that I didn’t have a chance to hold it up and----
BOSS: Shut up! I’m not talking about that office photo, which is very professionally done by the way---
CHILL (blushing): Thank you!!!
BOSS (ignoring him): I’m talking about who the hell wrote that crap I just read!
CHILL: The company policy?
BOSS: No, that disgusting promotion of prostitution, drug use, and very questionable work ethic!
Chill looks concerned. He quickly drops the OFFICE BACKGROUND PHOTO, and goes through a pile of paperwork on the beach chair next to him. Then his face goes pale.
CHILL: Sorry wrong company! This one’s for “Lara’s Gentlemen Club.” Mindy, you handed me the wrong notes!!!!
Chill gives an angry look at ONE OF THE BIKINI-CLAD LADIES, then quickly REINSTATES the OFFICE BACKGROUND PHOTO behind them and GIVES the boss a different PIECE OF PAPER.
The Boss studies the new piece of paper with approval.
BOSS: This one’s good! Finally, sound principles of successful corporations. Where did you get it from?
CHILL: Celebrity Apprentice, Shark Tank, and that movie “Wall Street.”
BOSS: Never heard of them, but it definitely beats the last thing you gave me. Anyway….Ok we’re starting over. Can you erase everything?
CHILL: Sorry, Skype is live.
BOSS: WHAT? I thought you were taping it????
CHILL: How do I put this? Umm. no.
The Boss GRABS Chill’s NECK, and drags him behind the office screen, where, judging by the sounds made, he proceeds to BEAT HIM UP.
Half the auditorium CLOSE THEIR EARS, the other half CLOSE THEIR EYES.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Chill Tie, the College Guy!
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