Disclaimer: All of these sketches are a work of fiction and are purely for entertainment.
Miscellaneous Sketches Table of Contents
"Waiting Room" (below)
Four ladies— CARLY, DOROTHY (two giggling young women), EMILY (bespectacled elderly lady), and BELINDA (middle-aged woman who talks in an unnaturally loud voice, something’s wrong with her but unclear what exactly), are sitting around in robes, reading magazines. Each one of them has an empty seat beside her, in chess board style, to avoid sitting directly beside someone else.
All of a sudden, a MAN strolls in.
MAN: Is this for prostate exams?
Carly shakes her head.
CARLY: It’s for mammograms.
MAN: Oh. Can I stick around?
Four heads LOOK UP FROM THEIR MAGAZINES.
Meanwhile, Belinda’s phone keeps going off. In the silence of the waiting room, she is talking unnaturally loud, and has occasional speech issues.
BELINDA: I ATE SOME CEREAL AND THEN I TOOK A SHOVEL, I MEAN A SHOWER, AND JOSH SHOWED UP.
Carly and Dorothy try to politely ignore her, and are sharing an issue of Star magazine and GIGGLING quietly. Since they have one empty seat between them, they have to keep STRETCHING the magazine around it. Carly points at a page in the magazine.
CARLY: Who do you think has a bigger package?
Dorothy points to an adjacent page.
DOROTHY: I think he does. Or is that just the shorts?
CARLY: Naah. He has, like, ten kids.
Emily, the elderly lady, is getting irritated. She MOVES ACROSS THE ROOM to sit as far away as possible from them.
At this point, FRANCES, a masculine-looking woman comes into the waiting room and SITS DOWN next to Emily.
BELINDA: WHAT? NO, I DON’T LOOK AFTER JOSH. HE LOOKS AFTER ME!
Meanwhile, Dorothy and Carly are still engrossed in their magazine, which has been stretched and held a bit too strongly, and is now beginning to FALL APART.
DOROTHY: Look at her breasts. I wish mine were like that.
Carly giggles at the magazine.
CARLY: I don’t think this is a good place to talk about that.
DOROTHY: Why not? We’re here to get a mammogram anyway.
CARLY: I know. That’s what scares me. (Pause). Wait, is that Bill Murray? (Pointing at the magazine)
Emily overhears them, and looks even more irritated.
EMILY: Do you even know who Bill Murray is? He’s the best actor of my generation!
Carly and Dorothy, startled by Emily, accidentally RIP the magazine in half. They GASP.
Frances WALKS UP TO THE MAGAZINE TABLE and takes her time scanning the headlines. “Amazing sex with your ex,” “365 positions year-round,” “100 roles to re-enact at bedtime,” “275 sleepless nights,” “987 bikini waxes,” “1103—“ her eyes begin to glaze over, the writing suddenly out-of-focus, when, to her delight, she notices a misplaced issue of MEN’S HEALTH and immediately GRABS IT.
BELINDA: NO, I DON’T DRIVE! I ALREADY TOLD YOU! JOSH HAS A MIKE, I MEAN A BIKE, AND HE GIVES ME A LIFT!
Nearby, Carly and Dorothy GATHER UP the remnants of the torn magazine, clearly terrified, as Emily STANDS OVER THEM with hands on her hips.
EMILY: Bill Murray is worth more than the two of you put together!!
Belinda, though, still on her phone conversation, manages to outshout her.
BELINDA: I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M GONNA HAVE FOR LUNCH! BETWEEN MY DIARHEA AND JOSH’S CONSTIPATION, THERE’S JUST LITTLE CHOICE LEFT!
Meanwhile, Emily is still standing over Carly and Dorothy, and not letting it go.
EMILY: Apologize for what you said!
Carly and Dorothy look confused.
CARLY: About what?
EMILY: Don’t be fresh with me, young lady!! I was making a living thirty years before your moron parents got together!!!
Frances puts the “Men’s Health” down, intrigued by Emily’s bullying, and strolls over to them.
Carly and Dorothy attempt to duck away from Emily’s closeness, but are being unsuccessful.
EMILY: Bill Murray is an icon!! You hear me???
Carly and Dorothy are mechanically nodding, trying to diffuse the situation, but Emily still won’t move an inch. She is about to say something else, when Frances interrupts.
FRANCES: How about you leave these young ladies alone? They’re not bothering you, so stop bothering them.
Emily pauses, her mouth open in surprise, as if this idea just occurred to her. She looks at Carly and Dorothy, and then struggles to stare up at tall Frances. There’s something dangerous about France’s expression, and something masculine about her appearance. Emily slowly nods, clearly intimidated by Frances’s size, and turns away.
Carly and Dorothy look like they’re about to cry, gazing up in adoration at Frances.
CARLY: Thanks, that was great!!
DOROTHY: You rule!!
Frances smiles. Her eyes fall on Carly and Dorothy’s breasts and long legs.
FRANCES: And what are your names?
Meanwhile, Belinda is finally rounding up her conversation.
BELINDA: WHAT COLOR? IT WAS YELLOW OR GREEN. GREENISH-YELLOW. NO, I DIDN’T TELL HIM. I MEAN WHAT WOULD I SAY?
Suddenly, the nurse BURSTS IN.
NURSE: Everyone, I’m very sorry about the delay. But you’ll have to re-schedule your mammograms.
Collective groans are heard about the waiting room.
EMILY: And why is that young lady?
NURSE: A tiny camera has been found in the room where mammograms are done. Our security system has been disrupted. We need to check the room for any other bugs, and catch the pervert!
Frances starts aggressively COUGHING. Everyone looks at her.
NURSE: Ma’am are you ok?
Frances NODS.
NURSE: Everyone, please feel free to take a goodie bag on your way out. And don’t worry! We’ll catch
the guilty party and jail the son-of-the-bitch!
All of a sudden, Frances is overtaken by another COUGHING FIT. The nurse COMES OVER TO HER, a worried expression on her face.
NURSE: Are you sure you’re ok? My sister---
She puts her hand over France’s shoulders—and all of a sudden Frances’s WIG FALLS OFF. Everyone GASPS. It’s actually a MAN—it’s the same guy who wandered into the room, asking about a prostate exam earlier.
EMILY: Oh My God, is that Bill Murray?
Emily adjusts her glasses. The nurse ignores her, and frowns at the Man.
NURSE: Did you do this??
The Man bursts into a run, accidentally KNOCKING OVER the table with the goody bags at the entrance. The Nurse RUNS after him. Emily follows.
Belinda’s cell phone FALLS to the floor, SHATTERING into a million pieces, next to Carly’s and Dorothy’s torn magazine.
Carly and Dorothy are oblivious, ooaahing and aahing over the spilled goodie bags.
CARLY: These ones are pretty good actually.
DOROTHY: Better than last time.
CARLY: I know right? That’s the whole reason I go to the mammograms.
DOROTHY: Two granola bars, one water bottle, seven coupons for always pads with wings, and--
ta-da---a fifty cents certificate to a beauty spa!
CARLY: If we go together, we get a dollar off!!!
Carly and Dorothy JUMP UP in delight. POLICE SIRENS are heard in the background.
DOROTHY: Let’s come back here again next week.
ALL-GIRLS DORM
INT. ALL-FEMALE COLLEGE DORM
A vulnerable looking young woman, LACY sits at the table with the sign “Security,” at the entrance. A middle-aged man with two suitcases, GEORGE, attempts to go past her but Lacy stops him. As she begins speaking, she sounds surprisingly like a police officer.
LACY: Sorry sir. This is an all-women dorm.
GEORGE: But I’m the father of one of the students. Gina Finks, she lives on the third floor. You probably know her.
LACY: Won’t make a difference if I do. No men allowed!
GEORGE: Look, I already said, I’m Gina’s father. I’m just here to pick her up and help her pack. That’s it!
LACY: Don’t make me repeat myself.
GEORGE: But I’m her father!
Suddenly, a TEENAGER runs past them in his boxers, SCREAMING. Lacy ignores him. George stares at him, open-mouthed.
GEORGE: I thought you said no men allowed?
LACY: That’s right. It’s our safety policy,
GEORGE: Then why didn’t you stop him?
LACY: Who?
GEORGE: The guy that just ran by! Are you blind?
LACY: Oh, you mean Max? Please. He’s, like, always here. Somebody’s boyfriend. No big deal.
GEORGE: But you said this is an all-female dorm!
LACY: I never said we’re a convent. Now sir, step outside please.
GEORGE: Are you serious??!
At this point a SHRIEKING WOMAN runs past them, followed by a MASKED ROBBER with a GUN. Lacy ignores them.
LACY: Sir, if you don’t leave I’m going to call the police!
GEORGE: WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP THE GUY WHO JUST RAN BY WITH A FREAKING GUN IN HIS HAND, AREN’T YOU SECURITY??
LACY: Well, we don’t know if it’s a guy. The face was masked. So I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt, and say it was a girl.
GEORGE: IT WAS A GUY. AND HE WAS HOLDING A GUN AND CHASING A YOUNG WOMAN! ARE YOU CRAZY?
LACY: Sir, lower your tone of voice.
GEORGE: I’M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE MYSELF!
All of a sudden Lacy gets out her own GUN and points it at George.
LACY: Step outside. Please.
This time George, in a state of shock obeys. Lacy follows him out, and comes back to the desk, sighting.
At this point, the same female teenager and the masked “robber” RUN past her again, this time being CHASED by the same male teenager in boxers who ran by earlier.
LACY: Hey, hey!! Can you guys tone down the freaky sex games? Geez!! Gina’s dad thought there was some criminal activity going on.
The girl runs off, but the masked robber immediately stops, instantly nervous. He’s joined by the boxers dude.
MASKED ROBBER: Why would he think that?
LACY: Gee. I don’t know. Maybe ‘cause you’re holding a freaking gun, wearing a mask, and running around like that!
MASKED ROBBERS: It’s just role-playing. (Gulp) Is he a cop?
LACY: How the hell do I know? Ask Gina.
BOY IN BOXERS: Lacy, do you like my boxers?
POLICE SIRENS are heard in the background. Lacy starts shaking.
LACY: Tell Gina and everyone, to get dressed! We need to get the hell out of here! She warned me this might happen!!!!
MASKED ROBBER (panicky, looking around): Am I going to get arrested? Quick, I need to change!
LACY: Just take off your mask and the costume.
MASKED ROBBER: I can’t, the mask is attached to the costume, and I’m naked underneath!!
LACY: RUN!
Lacy and the masked “robber” RUN OFF, FOLLOWED BY the boy in boxers.
BOY IN BOXERS : Hey, wait!!!! Do you wanna borrow my boxers? But you gotta give them back! (Pause). Guys? Where are you?
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