Graduation No-No’s

May-June is normally graduation season, and as somebody who remembers my own graduations, I decided to compile a "Graduation No-No's" list for the parents of future graduates.

Graduation No-No’s

·         Comparing whose child is going to the more prestigious school with other parents.

What’s Wrong With This: Besides offending the kid, you’re giving other power-hungry parents a chance to

assert their power over you.

How to identify this:

Edward’s Mom: So which school will Julian be attending?

Julian’s Mom: Julian is going to Boston University in the fall, right after he finishes his job at the real-estate office at the end of the summer. It’s going to take up all our savings, but he’s such a bright kid!!

Edward’s Mom: Hmmm…I’m surprised there are any jobs in real-estate at all, after the market burst a couple of years ago…No one’s selling….Another job that’s soon to become obsolete, but anyway, I’m SO happy for Julian!! Eddy is spending the summer working in the family business and will attend Yale University on a full scholarship in the fall. But hey, I heard good  things about BU!!

How to avoid this trap:

Edward’s Mom: So which school will Julian be attending?

Julian’s Mom: Which school is Edward attending?

Edward’s Mom: Yale. Full scholarship.

Julian’s Mom: Oh really? Julian could have went there too, but we prefer Harvard.

Edward’s Mom (disappointed): Oh, I see.

Why it’s a good solution: You adjust your response based on the response of the person

asking the question, so they can’t make you feel inferior.

 ·         Giving unnecessary presents.

What’s Wrong With This: Unless the graduate in question had explicitly stated what their dream gift is, there’s a big chance your present would be a waste of money for you, and a prolonged search for the nearest garbage can out of your line of vision by your recipient.

How to identify this:

You: Look what I got you!

Graduate (unwrapping package): A book of inspirational quotes by an alcohol and drug abuse counselor….

You: Read the back cover!

Graduate (turns book over): “The ideal gift for any high school graduate stepping out into the real world for the first time, filled with brand new words of wisdom like: You can be anything you want to, Don’t drink and drive, and Don’t cause your parents grief.”

You: What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?

Graduate: Oh. Yeah. Thank you aunt Mallory!! I’ll….um…put this on my bedside table…..

You: But you’ll be away in college!!

               

How to avoid this trap:

You: Look what I got you!

Graduate (opens envelope): Five hundred bucks, alright!!

You: It’s for your college tuition!

Graduate: Aunt Mallory, you’re the best!!!!

Why it’s a good solution: Money is always the best present in any situation, because you can’t go wrong with it. The only thing you can go wrong with is the amount you’re giving—too low or too high are both bad. But college students need all the help they can get, so you have some leeway here.

·         Over-celebrating.

What’s Wrong With This: Nothing, unless you mind emergency room and police station environments.

How to identify this:

Neighbor: Can you guys keep it down?? I just called 911 for the seventh time!!!

Graduate (silently assessing the damage): Six drunks passed out on the floor, music blasting, the party organizer alleging he knows the police chief on a first-name basis but that the rest of them are screwed, the ringing of cell phones caused by parents who are wondering why their kids still aren’t home seventy-two hours later, property damage exceeding the income from three part-time summer jobs gained with the help of the very people whose property was just destroyed, and the odd presence of middle-aged strangers at a teenage party—two of whom go around the house hiding a group of mysterious packages, as the doorbell keeps ominously ringing.

How to avoid this trap:

Neighbor: Can you guys keep it down?? I just called 911 for the seventh time!!!

Graduate: (gathers belongings and silently jumps out of the first floor window at the back of the house, since front door is no longer an option because of the presence of newly arrived police cruisers).

Why it’s a good solution: It’s hard to avoid celebrating graduation. And if you’re celebrating anything at all, it’s hard to keep from over-celebrating. Thus the best solution is to never let the graduate throw the party at your house (thereby minimizing the chance that you will somehow be dragged into this mess), and teach them that sometimes the best way of solving a problem is to narrowly avoid it.

 -----Written by A. L. Salt © 

Top Ten Ways.....

In a follow up to yesterday's post, I decided to explore the topic further....

Top ten ways to tell your interview isn’t going well:

10) The interviewer is more nervous than you.

9) You can’t figure out what business this company is actually in.

8) The recruiter can’t figure this out either, which is why all of his responses are very vague.

7) The interview is conducted in the most run-down room in the building.

6) The day after your interview, the employer’s phone number is disconnected.

5) You overhear one of the employees of the company you’re interviewing with discussing suicide.

4) Mysteriously, you’re never asked for your social or any other form of ID.

3) You seem to be the only non-relative interviewing for the position.

2) You’re asked to “follow” the Department of Justice and Homeland Security on Twitter, just so you’ll be in the know “about any new developments.”

1) And finally the #1 way you can tell your interview isn’t going well:

 The interviewer doesn’t show up to the interview and doesn’t even remember it being scheduled.

------Written by A. L. Salt © 

A Note About Social Networking

I recently read this social networking tip from a supposed expert, who was talking about how to capture the interest of the company you’re interested in, without actually applying. 

He said to find employees of this company through linkedin and look at their profiles. Then when they see you checked out their profiles, they check out your profiles. At which point according to this expert, to really connect with them you need to be bold and invite them out for drinks. 

Now is this realistic that they would immediately be like—Sure! 10p.m. Friday at Joe’s. See you there!!!!!?  How often are you this friendly to complete strangers?

Below, I imagine what the reactions would be like from different folks to this completely-out-of-the-blue “Can I buy you a drink?” linkedin message:

Cop:  I can see right through you like a one-way mirror. You pay for my $20 tequila, and I get you a $40K job! In your dreams pal!

Fashion Industry Executive: I don’t drink. Or eat.

American Sign Language Interpreter: *Silently deletes Message*

Freebie Collector: Does a drink include spending the night???

Member of Alcoholic Anonymous: ALCOHOLIC!!!

Facebook Employee: STALKER!!!

Member of Alcoholic Anonymous who’s also a Facebook Employee: ALCHOLIC STALKER!!!!

ESL Teacher: What do you mean by a “drink?”

Accountant: Depends on how much the drink costs…..

Marriage Counselor: I’m glad you like my photo, but this isn’t Match.Com!!! Go and invite people for ‘drinks’ over there!!!

And finally the most popular response across all occupations: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU???

------Written by A. L. Salt © .

Yahoo Comments

Often, when I’m bored, I go to the yahoo website and see what’s in the news.

Over time though, I found that the yahoo users leaving comments after an article, are almost always more entertaining than the article itself.  

And often they have absolutely nothing to do with the article. 

Here’s a fictional exchange that I made up with fictional users, but which illustrates the sort of thing I’m talking about that’s very common:

Example of a Yahoo Article:  A Dog Had Ten Puppies.

COMMENTS:

Obsessed w/ Politics: That dog is a liberal!

Frequently-off-topic: the yahoo homepage is loading too slowly

Controversial just for the sake of it: that’s not a dog! that’s a photo of a cat!

Clueless_I_Am: I didn’t read the article……I just felt like leaving a woof-woof, I mean a comment. Dog.

                      Frequently-off-topic: Is your name really Dog? Shouldn’t be it be spelled

                      DoUg?

                      Obsessed w/ Politics: D for Democrat! Ha! I knew it!

                      Controversial just for the sake of it: When I was ten, I found a female mate

                      for my dog. I let them sleep together. Then I found out my dog was female

                      too.

                      Enthusiastic for no apparent reason: OMG!!!!

Clueless_I_Am:  I still didn’t read the article!

                      Voice of Reason11: No one cares.

Spammer:     Meet and Mingle with other idiots at idiotsmingle.com

                      Enthusiastic for no apparent reason: OMG!!!!

                      Voice of Reason11: No need for that. Just look around.

Serious Reader: What does any of this have to do with the article?

                      Obsessed w/ Politics: What does Obamacare have to do w/ America?

                      That’s right.  NOTHING.

               

------Written by A. L. Salt © .

Hiyaa

To my dear Googlers:

Welcome to my comedy blog.

What to expect: I've posted the sketches I've been writing in my spare time according to categories at the top of the blog, so they're easier to read. As I'll write more, I'll post more.

BUT not everything I post in my blog will be sketches, even though all the writing will be comedy-style.

------------------------------------------------------------

Just like not all *entry level* employees are actually entry level, even though they are all employees.

To elaborate, let's take a moment to look at the definition of entry-level:  "Appropriate for or accessible to one who is inexperienced in a field or new to a market" (Source: thefreedictionary.com).

What it does not mean: 1-3 years of related experience, previous similar jobs, knowledge of information that could only come from working in this field before, and any other creatively disguised synonyms.

However what "entry-level" is supposed to mean and what it does mean in the current landscape, are two different things.

I'd like to give a shout out to the college graduates, a shout down to the words-reshuffling HR departments (scrabble champions have nothing on them), and a moment of silence for the un-entry level workers who are forever hired as entry level.

To avoid confusing college graduates and other career changers in the future, I propose to create a new job posting category: Pre-Entry Level.

Maybe finally this will end the catch-22 that entry level jobs currently pose, and no previous experience will be required?